I cut my penus on the lid.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
