The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
