I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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