he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
