Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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