I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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