No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
