hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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