I'm going to jail i love you
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
