The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
