Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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