I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
