guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
