I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
