I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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