we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
