Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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