I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
