It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Randomize
