there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize