it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
