I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
