Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I supernannyed him into submission
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
