Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
