I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
