# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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