So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
