i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
