So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
