When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
