I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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