ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
