Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
