Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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