someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
