how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
