Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
