every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
