Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
