did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
