I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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