I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
