It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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