i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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