Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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