I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Randomize
