So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
