I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
