I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
