so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
All the doctor said was why
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
