you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
