eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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