i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
