The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I still have a little drunk in my system
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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