i jhust puked up my retainher.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
