I heard we made out
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
