In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize